Scientists are very excited. It seems that a new species of amateur operator has evolved and is multiplying rapidly. Scientists have dubbed the new species Macroboorealus Digitum, more commonly known as the Digital Macroboor. The species has proliferated on the 20 meter PSK31 frequencies but is spreading to other digital modes and frequencies with alarming rapidity. Scientists as well as many amateur radio operators have repeatedly tried to engage in intelligent conversation with Digital Macroboors to no avail. It seems the only responses macroboors are capable of are sending preprogrammed messages (macros) with their digital software. They typically refer to the operator they are having a "conversation(?)" with by the name that shows up on their automatic QRZ.com lookup macro. For example I am a often referred to by these strange creatures as Timothy, a name that appears on my birth certificate, radio license and on a few other official documents. No one ever actually calls me Timothy, unless they happen to be a macroboor. Even my own parents never called me Timothy, unless I had done something to really upset them. Macroboors, however, insist on calling me Timothy - even after I've told them 2 or three times that my name is Tim and that I really don't appreciate being called Timothy. They just don’t get it. They certainly don't write or compose text, for that matter, since their only mode of responding is to click on a macro, one they probably had one of their friends compose and type for them. It's also questionable whether they have the capacity to read since they don't seem to respond to questions or comments. They just keep clicking buttons at random.

Macroboors typically have long highly formatted station descriptions which they insist on inflicting upon innocent others. These descriptions typically have lots of formatting devices in them such as *******, ........... and ===> to give the receiving victim guidance in interpreting such complicated information along the lines of...

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

<<here, not someplace else) consists of the following>>>

(Notice how they prefer the third person rather than the first - and while we’re at it, what else would it consist of EXCEPT for the following?)

...........The Transceiver: ===> Harvey Wells Bandmaster 2000 Pro/Field/Uber Radio, Mark XXIVMDC.

............The Antennas: ===> (I won't go into detail here but typically they list 7 or 8 antennas - all but one of which they are NOT using at the moment. Listed antennas cover all frequencies from audio through light.)

............ The Computer: ===> (Again I won't go into detail here but they typically supply more information than a computer repair person would need to know in order to fix the thing.)

............The Software: ===> (See above comments regarding Antennas, Computer

............ The Operator: ===> (This is the one I REALLY like... It typically says something along the lines of "1947 Model." Ha ha! That's so cute. How clever and original. I just know this is someone I want to have a long conversation with)

I must confess that I find a macroboor's belabored and overblown station descriptions helpful at times... particularly if I need to make a trip to the fridge or to the bathroom - maybe even both during a single macro. I might even be able to fit in an additional long distance call with my broker - if he hadn’t jumped out his 23rd floor window last week.

Macroboors are fascinated with the word the. They also love the word here. For example, "The rig here consists (oh yes, I failed to mention consists) of blah blah blah." Since they have an obvious aversion to typing, why not say "Rig is UberRadio 5000" and let it go at that instead of all the the’s, here’s and consists ofs? Hey, it works on CW. Why shouldn’t it work on digital? The reason macroboors do these things is simple. They don’t have to type the stuff. They just hit a button and out it comes without any regard for the poor slob that has to read their drivel! They love to take up valuable spectrum space but they have nothing to say. The have read Shannon and Weaver in the original and are true believers in coding redundancy. Clearly if you say nothing the message always gets thru.

Beware if you answer an unfamiliar station’s CQ and the guy comes back to you with your name or (more likely, the name your mother used to call you when she was really mad at you) and you haven’t even told him your name yet. Be really wary if he comes back with "Hi , nice to meet you." When this happens, hit your macro button fast and get out of there!

When confronted with their boorish and impolite behavior, macroboors will sometimes break down and actually type something on their keyboards rather than pushing a button (I think). It is usually an appeal for sympathy (yes they want sympathy) and it goes something along the lines of "I can't type very well so using macros is the way I cope with my handicapping condition." Of course, it would never occur to them to operate on another mode such as CW or SSB and, in the meantime, practice to improve their typing. Where is Mavis Beacon when you really need her! Then again, macroboors just may be pushing the "I can't type" macro button. I've actually programmed an "I don't QSO macroboors" macro on my digital software - but in my heart I know it won’t do any good since a true macroboor never reads anything the other station sends. Hmmmmm, wonder what other macros I could program in order to actually cut down on having a real conversation. (Yes, that's sarcasm if you were wondering.)

In spite of having spent more than 50 years operating primarily on CW I can see why the FCC finally abandoned the code requirement . What I can't understand is why they didn't replace it with either a typing requirement or, better yet, an IQ test!

<73, MYNAME>