1) Use as many Q signals as possible. Yes, I know they were invented solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for two-meter FM, but they're fun and entertaining. They keep people guessing as
to what you really meant. i.e. "I'm going to QSY to the truck." Can you really change frequency to the truck? QSL used to mean " I am acknowledging receipt," but now it appears to mean” yes" or "OK." I guess I missed it when the ARRL changed the meaning.
2) Never laugh when you can say "hi hi." Nobody will ever know you aren't a long CW rag chewer if you don't tell them. They'll think you've been on since the days of Marconi.
3) Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use words like "destinated" and "negatory."
4) Always say "XX4XXX (insert your own call) for I.D."
5) The better the copy on two-meter FM, the more you should phonetically spell your name, especially if it is a short and/or common one. i.e. "My name is Al . . .Alpha Lima" or "Jack . . .Juliet Alpha Charlie Kilo."
6) Always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is(or has been) in the group, whether they are still there or not. While this has been unnecessary for years, it is still a wonderful memory test.
7) Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps people guessing. Use "modulation" when you mean" deviation" and vice-versa. And even if the two-meter FM amplifier you're using is a Class C type amp, and thus not biased for linear amplification, be
sure to call it your "linear." Heck, refer to all FM-style amplifiers as "linears." You'll be the king of the wrong terminology
If someone asks for a break, always finish your turn, talking as long as possible before turning it over. Whenever possible, pass it around a few times first.
9) Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying to sign out. Never let him get by with a yes or no answer. Make it a question that will take a long time to answer.
10) The less you know about the subject, the more you should speculate about it on the air. The amount of time spend on your speculations should be inversely proportional to your knowledge of the subject.
11) If you hear two amateurs start a conversation on the repeater, wait until they are 20 seconds into their contact, and then break-in to use the patch.
12) You hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a visiting amateur. Even if the directions are good, make sure you break-in with your own "alternate route but better way to get there" version.
13) Use the repeater for an hour at a two at a time, preventing others from using it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your quest is to make people so sick of hearing your voice every time they turn on their
radio, they'll move to another frequency. This way you'll lighten the load on the repeater, leaving even more time for you to talk on it.
14) Give out wacky radio advice. When a newcomer's signal is weak into the repeater, tell him he can correct the problem by adjusting the volume and squelch knobs on his radio. Or tell people they're
full quieting except for the white noise on their signal. Or. . .well, you get the idea.
15) Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel important using words average people don't say. Who cares if it makes you sound like you just fell off of Channel l9 on the Citizen's Band? Use phrases such as "Roger on that," "10-4," "You're making the trip,"
and "Negatory on that."
16) Start every transmission with the word "Roger" or "QSL."
17) When looking for a contact on the repeater, always say you're "listening" or "monitoring” multiple times.
18) Give out repeater FM signal reports using the HF SSBR-S system ("You're 5 by 9 here.") Sure it's considered improper for FM operation and you may even confuse some people, but don't let that spoil your fun!
19) Always use a repeater, even you can work the other station easily on simplex--especially if you can make the contact on simplex. The coverage of the repeater you use should be inversely proportional to your distance from the other station.
20) If you and the other station are both within a mile or two of the repeater you are using, you should always give a signal report. ("I'm sitting under the repeater and I know you can see it from there, but
you're full quieting into the repeater. How about me?")
29) Never say "My name is. . ." It makes you sound human. If at all possible, use one of the following phrases: a) "The personal here is. . ." b)"The handle here is. . ." Normally, handles are for suitcases, but it's OK to use them anyway. Don't forget this has worked just fine for CB'ers for years.
21) Use 73 and 88 incorrectly. Both are already considered plural, but add a "s" to the end anyway. Say 73's or "88's." Who cares if it means "best regards" and "love and kisses." Better yet, say
"seventy thirds." (By the way, 70 thirds equals about 23.3)
22) Make people think you have a split personality by referring to yourself in the plural phrase. When you're in conversation and are alone at your radio, always say" We're" or "We've" instead of” I’m"
or "I've" (i.e. "we've been doing this . . ." "we're doing that. . .","we're clear").
23)If you own a repeater, be sure to turn on the voice announcement and all the roger beeps and whistles you can muster. It's more CB like. Bonus points for having some womans voice announce club news and the full time and date every 10 minutes.
