Dear Dr. Hamm . . .

As related through Gordon Hubbell, N1OU

(copyright, 2002)

Dr. Percival Maximus Hamm, LID is the only known psychiatrist devoting his practice entirely to the relational aspects of amateur radio. The elusive, reclusive Dr. Hamm only communicates through the auspices of his long-time friend Gordon Hubbell, N1OU, and resides on the little-known island of Muchas Guano where his most ardent scientific pursuit is documenting the many efficient methodologies for removal of epidermal tissue from the domestic feline. Questions (and donations) should be directed to N1OU.

In this infrequent column, Dr. Hamm seeks to assist his fellow (and sister) amateur operators by providing insightful guidance to those suffering from any personal relationship aspect of our unique hobby. Selected letters and Dr. Hamm's thoughtful replies follow . . .

Dear Dr. Hamm,

My boyfriend recently took up amateur radio. This is okay, but he doesn't pay much attention to me any more. What should I do?

Phrustrated in Philly

Dear Phrustrated,

Send me a recent photo of yourself immediately. Clothing is, of course, optional and should be avoided if I am to totally evaluate your situation. I am seeking participants with backgrounds such as yours for a new therapy group. If you meet my criteria I will provide first-class transportation to Muchas Guano for you (and, of course, the others similarly endowed . . . er, ah, situated). If you do not meet my criteria I suggest you take up fishing.

Dear Dr. Hamm,

My wife is an amateur radio operator. I knew this when I married her, but I never realized she loved the hobby more than me. She hardly even notices I'm around. What should I do?

Perplexed in Peoria

Dear Perplexed,

Tough luck, buddy.

Dear Dr. Hamm,

My husband just left the house, saying he was going to lift a few cold 807's with some friends. Should I be concerned? When he's done this before he's come home drunk.

Confused in Council Bluffs

Dear Confused,

Not to worry. Lifting a few cold 807's is a highly worthwhile pursuit. Cold 807's are extremely rare and have been much sought by ham radio operators for many decades. Most 807's are either too warm (from excessive filament voltage) or are tepid, room temperature things covered with dust. When cold ones are found, lifting them can result in a certain euphoria best understood only by old hams. In fact, if your husband is old enough to know what an 807 is, he's probably too old to do much harm to himself. You should highly encourage this behavior and enjoy his absence. If you are a great deal younger than he, please send me a recent photo of yourself so that I may evaluate you for one of my study groups.

Dear Dr. Hamm,

How do you explain the unrest in Afghanistan?

Befuddled in Birmingham

Dear Befuddled,

Easily. My participation in the Jihad Net nightly on 75 meters gives me unique insight. If amateur radio were illegal in my country and all the women were covered from head to toe, I'd start blowing things up, too. It was bound to happen.

Dear Dr. Hamm,

My boyfriend has a small yagi. He says he doesn't feel inferior but I know he feels inadequate. What can I do to make him feel better?

Well Intended in Wilmington

Dear Well . . .

How he feels is directly related to the neuron responses in certain areas of the fingers. If he does not feel well, there may be nerve damage or some other condition induced by childhood trauma or exposure to excessive radio frequency currents. You may be contributing to the situation. How do you know his yagi is small? Dr. Hamm has a study group underway on just this very topic: YL's trauma from small yagis. Please send me your picture immediately. If your qualifications meet certain minimums (either in centimeters or other accepted measurement criteria) I will invite you into the group for further investigations.

Dear Dr. Hamm,

My fianc and I went shopping for engagement rings last weekend. All he could say was, That's more expensive than a new 756PRO II. What does this mean?

Bewildered in Biloxi

Dear Bewildered,

One should never attach a price tag to love and this is your future spouse's very sensitive method of handling the problem. Judging from his statement, I'd say he's a very intelligent man. He does not want to hurt your feelings by saying something like, Holy sh**, that's a lot of dough for a rock! Obviously his values are well grounded and he loves you a great deal. A small, gold band may be purchased for about fifty bucks. A state-of-the-art DSP-based transceiver with an incredible color display and really great specs only runs the total tab up to about three grand. Both purchases should be made immediately. If you have trouble understanding this concept, please send me your picture and a modest donation and I'll get back to you.

Dear Dr. Hamm,

My husband recently got his Technician license and is now totally obsessed by hitting repeaters whatever that means. We used to have an intense, intimate relationship and I'm worried about what he might say. Just exactly what do these things repeat?

Worried in Woonsocket

Dear Worried,

Everything they hear, dear. Please send me your picture at your earliest convenience. If you meet specifications, you may qualify for my relational discount. You are in deep, deep trouble and, if you are attractive at all, require my intense, personal attention.

Dear Dr. Hamm,

My husband went to a hamfest last weekend and came home with a t-shirt that says, My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't get off the radio, over ... I don't get it! Please help me.

Scratching My Head in Scranton

Dear Scratch,

The nerve of that insensitive cad amazes me! Instead of telling you that he's gay, he's hiding his feelings within a cheap article of clothing. If you are a co-signer on his bank account you should immediately withdraw the balance and send it to me. Please enclose a recent photo as well. You may qualify for one of my special therapy groups.

Dear Dr. Hamm,

My young wife has become far too demanding. I occasionally enjoy her company, but frankly I don't relate well to somebody who can't discuss the finer points of propagation forecasts and the latest contest techniques. She keeps harping about money for her sister's breast reduction surgery and says she can't leave the house because she doesn't have any clothes! I think I'm being victimized here. I'd rather spend my life savings on a big tower and a new linear instead of my In-laws. Do you agree?

Flummoxed in Fairview

Dear Flummoxed,

Wholeheartedly! There is only one possible resolution to your situation. Send your young wife (and her deformed sister), along with your checkbook, to me immediately for counseling! If there is any money left over for the tower and amplifier, I'll get back to you.

P.S. Young women greatly overestimate the need for clothing. Do not, I repeat, do not buy her any clothes. I'll evaluate that situation when she arrives.

Are you a ham with a relationship problem? Married to, engaged, or involved with an amateur radio operator? Dr. Hamm is standing by to help! Donations (and pictures, if requested) can be funneled through N1OU. Future columns will deal with RFI (radio frequency indecency), coaxial healing, and RM (relationship modulation) if the questions are good enough.